Worst Of Both Worlds
by genkakusalvo
Summary: The cruelest Shichibukai and the most ruthless Admiral team up to hunt down a pirate. Not a pairing or romance. Rated T due to violence, language, drug use, and adult themes.
1. Chapter 1

**The Worst Of Both Worlds**

**The MPAA has given this a rating of PG-13. It contains violence, scary images, language, drug use and adult themes.**

**ONE PIECE belongs to Eiichiro Oda. I also don't own Les Miserables**

The goat was staring at him. Just staring and chewing on something green. And it made it really hard to focus. Not that he wanted to, really. What on Satan's green Earth could be more boring than sitting in a theater with a bunch of chumps and watching a really shitty musical? Doflamingo idly fiddled with his large pink feather coat and tried to ignore two really distracting things: the whiny, angsty sounds of Les Miserables coming from the stage and Sengoku's goat, which was most definitely planning something evil.

Oh. The bows were beginning. At last. Doflamingo stood up quickly and stalked out of the theater, snarling at the usher who wished him a good day. Sengoku had better have a good reason for ruining his day like this. His hand went up to his spiked blond hair, making sure for the thousandth time that it was unruffled. The day was cloudy but he kept his trademarked sunglasses (World Style, 200 million berries) on his face. He had an image to represent. He thought about kicking a pigeon that was getting too close to his high heeled, crocodile skin shoes (80 million berries), but decided against it.

Three Marines left the theater. Two were crying and leaning on Sengoku's shoulders. The Fleet Admiral attempted to keep their tears from ruining his dress uniform, grimacing. Akainu tried to get himself together, finally detaching himself from Sengoku and instead cradling his head in his hand. Aokiji just kept blubbering on Sengoku. Akainu's lined, hard face seemed odd when it was in this kind of distress. Aokiji looked even stranger. The flood of tears, apart from making Sengoku look really sweaty, had flattened half of Aokiji's frizzy curly hair.

"Aokiji, get yourself together," barked Sengoku, finally losing patience. He shoved Aokiji off of his shoulder. The Admiral fell to the ground and continued bawling.

"It's just so sad," he gasped. "They never made the world a better place…"

"It's tragic," agreed Akainu. "The hero committed suicide. Godammit!"

Aokiji stopped crying and looked up quizzically at Akainu. "Huh? The hero didn't... Wait a minute! Javert wasn't the bloody hero, you dolt."

Akainu glared out at Aokiji from under his hand. "What're you talking about? Of course he was." Sengoku cleared his throat.

"Stop this infantile nonsense. And get back here Doflamingo!" The Shichibukai, who had been surreptitiously walking away down the street, hands in his pockets, froze, then pivoted on his heels. He smirked at Sengoku, the undertone less than friendly.

"What do ya want already, Sengoku? You drag me to this piece of shit play and then ya want me to do something else for ya? You've got to be kidding me. Jeez!" Sengoku put a hand on his goat and Doflamingo shut up. That goat was too damn creepy.

"I've got a job for you guys. The three of you." They gaped at him. This was all wrong, thought Akainu. Not only did it conflict with prudent military strategy about not putting too many forces in one area (after all, what task besides a world war would require more than one Admiral?), he was about to be saddled with two people he absolutely could not stand. Doflamingo spent about twenty seconds in the silence after Sengoku's proclamation debating just how to get out of this, then decided against it. He would just try to ruin whatever it was most thoroughly. Those World Government goons _so_ needed to get pissed on.

Aokiji actually did get out of it rather rapidly when (a very drunk) Vice Admiral Garp latched himself onto Aokiji's shoulders, muttered something to Sengoku about Mahjong, and led him away. Sengoku tutted, but was reduced to stroking the goat. Who was still eating something green.

"Well, anyway," said Sengoku, trying and failing to appear cool and collected, "You guys are going to hunt down a pirate. He's become a real threat to us, and we think that he needs to be stopped. Actually, he's one of your lot," gesturing at Doflamingo. "He goes by Buggy the Clown."

On a ship on an ocean but on the same planet, a man with ponytails and a large red nose sneezed, then laughed it off, with absolutely no idea of the impending doom heading his way. His crew of nefarious former inmates from the underwater prison Impel Down, as well as his original circus-themed crew (and a hitchhiker named Alvida who most of the crew knew Buggy only kept around with the hope of one day getting into her pants), were all engaging in some truly heavy partying. Grog, beer, and something brewed in a bathtub were circulating, the dancing was wild and uncoordinated, and the food was abundant. Cabaji's black hair, normally allowed to fall on one side of his face, was currently glued to a lion. While the lion roared, Cabaji tried in vain to free himself.

"Mohji you asswipe!" a frustrated Cabaji finally yelled. "You're going to pay for this!" Mohji, Buggy's first mate, simply giggled. His stubbled chin, beard and sideburns looked even stupider than normal, thought Buggy, and began to giggle uncontrollably. The lion, Ritchie, simply snarled and hit Mohji in the side of the head, knocking him off the ship. The crew and captain found this hilarious.

Back on top of the Red Line, in the shiny white city of Marijoa, Doflamingo likewise began to laugh. "Buggy the Clown? That wanker? You're sending us to deal with Buggy?" He continued to cackle, bending over and clutching his knees for support. "You're killing me, Sengoku. Really, man, that's hilarious." Theatrically wiping tears from the corners of his eyes, Doflamingo began to edge away. "Well, I guess ya don't really need me, now, do ya?" Sengoku responded by grabbing his ear and dragging him along back to Marine headquarters.


	2. Chapter 2

**Worst Of Both Worlds, Part 2**

Doflamingo hummed a song quietly to himself. He did not really know what song it was, or care, as long as it gave him a sense of not being where he was at the moment. Which was, incidentally, perched on top of a barrel that someone had placed on the deck of the _Ripper_, Akainu's flagship. The position (squatting on top of a rather shaky perch) was extremely uncomfortable, and if it had not looked so damn cool, Doflamingo would have abandoned it (slowly and unnoticeably of course). Marines passed on either side, making sure to keep a good ten foot radius around the humming Shichibukai. The sky was clear and blue, with a few clouds hurrying around here and there. The waves were high, not that it really bothered the massive Marine warship.

Akainu stood in the front of the ship, letting the wind hit him head on. Every now and then, a Marine would come up behind him, salute smartly, and inquire about the ship's course, upcoming weather, or bring him a cup of tea. Sipping the wonderfully hot tea, Akainu pondered just how wrong this mission could go. Had this been a solo mission, it would have been child's play; find the pirate, kill the pirate horribly, go find a place to eat dinner. It was routine, quite normal for a day's work. But with Doflamingo along, this mission would become something akin to riding a unicycle on a tightrope while juggling sticks of burning dynamite.

The Shichibukai had no real concept of alliances or duties, and seemed to think that everything around him had been put there for his own amusement. And since his choice of amusement happened to involve blood, pain and death (of other people), Akainu could barely begin to count the possibilities for disastrous failure. On the other hand, if Doflamingo gave him a reason, this mission would be a handy opportunity to send the obnoxious man to the bottom of the ocean – with a lava fist through the gut first, naturally. The World Government would be safer for it, no doubt.

"Coming up to Void Island, sir!" Akainu turned and nodded. He strode purposefully towards the back of the ship, where the wheel was. He happened to pass by Doflamingo, and made a point of not altering his course a bit to compensate for the man on the barrel. Which led a rather awkward game of chicken that ended with Doflamingo overbalancing and falling over. In this process, the barrel slid out from under his feet and knocked over Akainu. The Marines watching held their breath. What followed would either be something that was told at parties to get some laughs or the end of their short and not very prosperous lives.

"Watch where yer going, you fat ass!" snarled Doflamingo. Akainu stood up, dusted himself off, and continued walking, ignoring Doflamingo entirely. The Shichibukai stood up, flustered, and followed the admiral. He tried his best to make it look like he was not following Akainu, and more like they just happened to be going the same way. Damn it all! He had looked totally uncool right there. At least the Marines had had the good sense not to laugh. Now _that_ might have been an incentive for some entertainment… Doflamingo grinned nastily. Oh well. It was certainly not all bad. At least, for the first time in days, something interesting was happening around here.

The ship pulled closer to the island. "Drop anchor!" yelled Akainu.

The Marines prepared a fleet of smaller boats to carry them ashore. "Government intelligence last spotted Buggy heading toward this island a week ago," Akainu said, addressing the shore party. "It takes a month for the log pose to reset. Our mission is to find Buggy and capture or eliminate him. Which means we eliminate him, of course. Any questions?" No one spoke up. "All right, move out!"

"Hey, doggy," crooned Doflamingo. "What about me, eh?" Akainu glared at him.

"You are coming with me where you can do the least amount of damage."

Elsewhere on Void Island, Buggy and crew stared at the lovely area of ocean where there ship had been. "What's the meaning of this?" gasped Buggy. "Our ship's gone?" Mohji and Ritchie clung to each other.

"You mean we're stuck on the island of suck?" yelped Mohji. Ritchie howled in agreement, a thought bubble with a ballerina inside popping out.

Cabaji snorted. "Put a lid in it, you weasels. Somebody just took the ship for maintenance."

"Took the ship for maintenance? How much of an idiot are you? And with that superior attitude to boot! I'll take _you_ for maintenance, you little prick!" retorted Mohji in one long shout.

"I'll take _your mother_ for maintenance," a red-faced Cabaji retorted.

"Boys," sighed Alvida. "So what do you think we should do, Buggy?" Buggy was busy staring at the bloody bodies of Cabaji and Mohji.

"Um, Alvida, you know, you didn't have to go that far," he said hesitantly. The rest of the crew nodded.

"Oh, they'll be OK," Alvida said breezily. "Anyway, this really is quite a problem. We can hardly build a raft to get away from here, can we?"

"Why don't we explore the island some more?" inquired Ezra. "We didn't find anything, but then again, we didn't go very far. We don't even know what island we're on. And we might find our ship. Obviously someone took it. But did they take it out to sea, or did they just move it to a different port?" Buggy sized up the idea from the promising new crewmember from Impel Down. A strange, thin man with brilliant red hair, he was one of the more promising new recruits. Buffy had seen the man's swordwork, and had been so impressed that he had pissed himself. Then again, this made Buggy worry. After all, there was no way an invincible legend like Captain Buggy could ever lose, even to a former Level 4 convict, but fighting a man like that would hurt, wouldn't it? Thankfully Ezra seemed to have no real interest in taking command. And why would he, working for the Great Captain Buggy?

The crew pressed inland through the jungle. The jungle was hot and humid, liquids dripping from every massive leaf, insects swarming in miniature tornados through the air, odd shrieks and calls echoing everywhere. Buggy's makeup was starting to run and he and the rest of the crew were constantly tripping over massive tree roots. With one exception. Alvida bashed everything in her path into submission with her massive iron club, and was strolling along rather like a society lady on an afternoon stroll.

The jungle gradually began to thin. And, without warning, Buggy suddenly fell, having tried to step on ground that wasn't there. He fell on top of a skeleton. "Aaaiiiiigh!" the great pirate captain yelped, rolling off the dead man… onto another one. The crew stared, horror-struck, down into a trench filled with the dead. Ragged, torn uniforms clung to the bones. Weapons were lodged into skulls and ribcages, the metal long rusted by the constant moisture. Here and there an arm stuck out of the ground. Wooden stairways led down into the ground. Clearly, at one point this trench had been much larger and deeper. The crew stared down into the mud, shuddering at the thought of the enormous mass of earth, washed around by the rain, now covering the remnants of an army. Buggy shakily climbed out.

"Men, I think we're going to go around this one, alright?" he said, voice as steady as possible. Nobody seemed to notice the slight tremor in his tone. The detour around the trench took them well over an hour, during which nobody really felt like saying anything. The sunny haze had become a dense rain. Water drops the size of baseballs pounded the crew.

Beyond the trench they discovered a crumbling city. The foundations of buildings, occasionally a few walls here and there, still stood. Everywhere there were little rectangular stones, the same sort that made up the buildings. Headless statues served as some sort of grim warning. Trees had started to grow among the wreckage. More skeletons lay about here and there, occasionally in several pieces. The worst ones were little ones. They came across a four-foot tall skeleton hanging from a tree, riddled with spears.

"This is… depressing," muttered Cabaji. "Doesn't look like anyone lives here anymore, does it? What do we do, Cap'n?"

Buggy was about to grace the world with an answer when they heard a cry of pain. The crew looked at one another. "Hey, where's Two-Shoes Joseph?" asked somebody. They looked at each other again, then hesitantly turned toward the source of the screaming.

They advanced as a group, everybody trying to get into the middle of the crowd. "What are you guys doing?" asked Joseph, who had stepped aside to take a piss. They screamed in unison, turning around to face him, everybody now trying to get behind someone else.

"You idiot!" Buggy yelled. "We thought you were in trouble." The screaming had stopped. There was a rustling.

Then Buggy and crew found themselves surrounded by armed men and women, wearing uniforms bearing a crest that everyone knew. That mothers taught to their children to scare them off to bed. The stylized dragon, clutching a skull and the emblem of the World Government: the mark of the Revolutionaries.


	3. Chapter 3

**Worst of Both Worlds, Part 3**

The Revolutionaries had tied up Buggy and crew and thrown them into a pile. With one or two men guarding the pirates, the others had built a fire and were roasting some sort of animal on a spit. The smell drifted over to the pirates. Drool started dripping from several mouths.

"Ezra, help us, goddammit!" yelled Cabbage. Ezra, over by the fire, held up a finger, telling them to wait. "Who the fuck do you think you are?" screamed Cabaji. "I'll stick that finger up your ass once I get out of these ropes!" Ezra sighed and walked over to the rest of his crew.

"They say you're not trustworthy enough to let free. After all, you _are_ pirates. I tried to tell them otherwise, but frankly, I don't think they trust me much either." Ezra scratched his head ruefully. "It's been too long since I got locked up in Impel Down. Most of them only know me by name. It's a good thing their leader saw me with Dragon once or I'd be in the same position you guys are in." They gaped at him.

"You're one of these nutcases?" Buggy burst out spontaneously. Ezra smiled.

"Yes, I'm afraid I am. I'm an assassin working for the Revolutionaries. Bit of a misunderstanding, I think."

"Misunderstanding my ass!" yelled Alvida. "You never told us this, curse you! That's the sort of thing we'd like to _know_."

Ezra looked at her for a while. "Well, I suppose, yes, but I didn't really think you'd let me join you guys if I told you. Would you have?"

"Of course not!" Alvida retorted.

Ezra sighed. "Well, there you have it. That's why I didn't tell you. We Revolutionaries get so much prejudice directed against us-"

"Prejudice?" said Mohji. "You're all insane! If the Government knew we had you in our crew we'd get killed! Well, you're fired and that's that!" Ezra blinked.

"I think I'm the only thing standing between you guys and a swift execution. Would it kill you to be nice?" The crew gulped, looking at the many sharp objects the Revolutionaries were carrying.

"Well, in that case…" started Buggy.

"We'd love to have you in our crew!" chirped Alvida.

"Yeah, yeah, I love you guys too-" started Ezra, but was interrupted by a rather alarming shower of lava coming from the sky.

Hot red fists struck the ground, leaving smoking craters behind. The air heated up, rich with the smell of fire. One landed next to Buggy's crew, splattering some with burning fragments. Those hit screamed as the molten rock seared their flesh. The force of the heat and the impact blasted the tied up crew members away in every which direction. Ezra skidded backwards, shielding himself with his arms.

The Revolutionaries took up battle positions, grabbing swords, axes and guns and facing the oncoming group of Marines. "Charge!" yelled Akainu. The two forces met. Metal shrieked as it struck metal and flesh gave way before steel, accompanied by cries both fierce and agonized. Guns popped here and there. Incongruous with that small sound, people fell, fatal wounds spurting blood. Akainu himself entered the fray. Revolutionaries turned to ash before the snarling Admiral.

"Oh shit! Shit! Shit!" yelled Buggy and his crew in unison. The ropes around Cabaji had caught on fire. He pulled them apart and then rolled around in the dirt, trying to extinguish the flames. "Help!" yelped Mohji. Cabaji, trying very hard to ignore the war all around, untied his fellow crewmembers.

"Let's get out of here!" yelled Alvida. The entire crew made a mad dash for freedom.

Anything left in the town that could burn was on fire. Marines and Revolutionaries alike tried to find a balance between avenging and retrieving their dead. Ezra charged Akainu, sword glowing with energy. Akainu met his slash with a fist dripping with magma. The impact sent a shockwave through the town, knocking down people and stone walls alike. Ezra was blasted back, shoulder dislocated. "Shit," he muttered under his breath and looked up to see swift fiery death descending.

Standing on a half-fallen church, Doflamingo laughed at the carnage. It was so much fun watching these fools kill each other! So fun! So funny, watching them waste their pathetic little lives. Of course, their mission was to kill Buggy, but he could be hunted down later. This was just too much fun to miss.

Through some sort of helpful coincidence, Buggy and crew emerged onto the beach to see a scantly guarded Marine warship off in the distance. A short swim (Buggy complaining the whole way about drowning) and a few Marines thrown into the ocean later and Buggy the Great was on the way to freedom.

Back among the corpses of Revolutionaries and Marines, Akainu felt as though he was missing something.


End file.
